For me there are two stories of my adoption. The why and how I became an adoptee and the life of being adopted. In observing other adoptee stories the majority have similar why and how’s, especially we adopted as infants. The ‘being’ adopted differs in the circumstances of the family we become, just as each life differs, being adopted or not.
We adoptees do all possess something alike, something to possibly battle or have shadow us. I have noticed that some seem to embrace it, and use it as their excuse for what ever negative behavior they choose, or negative anything that enters their lives. Others may feel it, encounter it, as they try to develop relationships,grow as parents, as spouses. They will stumble and wonder on worth, and hopefully come out all the stronger on the other side. The ‘IT’ that we all have in common, is our being given away.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, given to a mother and a father (usually). Given to a stable home. Given to a better life. All of this IS better than being raised by a teen/single mom, parents not ‘ready’, drug addict, rape victim who resented, any parent who does not choose to keep their child. If a parent can find a reason to give up custody of a child, and believe in that reason, whether it be selfish, unselfish, logical or illogical, then the child is better with some one who desires to have them. It is exactly that, though, that plays with an adoptees mind, the bio parent reasoned to give us away. Because, if the bio’s really wanted they would found reason to keep. We keep the best out of the a litter of puppies. We go to counseling to keep from leaving a spouse. Parents risk incarceration and break custody court orders, just to keep their children( sometimes their dogs). I have kept kittens from litters, and sobbed when I gave the others away, when I already had too many cats. I have given home to dog’s dumped on on the street to add to my to many others. Parents who have no money and too many children. who have no business having any more keep their 6th ‘little accident’ and find a way. It is those things that I notice, and I really think all adoptees glance at, at least once.
My parents always explained to me the self sacrificing choice my biological mother made, how she loved me so much she did give me to be adopted. I believe that. My mom and dad (as do I) understood the courage it took for this unmarried16 year old to stay pregnant in the 60’s (anytime actually)they knew she could have chosen another way to deal with the pregnancy. They knew the strength it took for her to sign a paper saying she would give her child, to complete strangers. The child that she carried for 9 months, felt growing inside of her, and delivered with much pain. The child she held and held and looked into eyes like her own, or the ‘he’ that was gone. Giving to others, with the hope that her child would be loved with a love as big as the love she was not allowing herself to have. My parents were able to convey this to me. I believe my incubator mother to be a saint. A Joan of Arc. I love her for giving me to my family. I am not angry with my bio mother. I am not angry with God.No anger at all. Bio Mother did nothing TO me, she actually did for me. I thank God for my creation.
I have met my biological family and I know the circumstances of before and after my birth. I know I could not have been ME, with all my genes, without D & L conceiving me. My conception would have been impossible,for just a year after my birth my bio father died. God created me to be. Under whatever circumstances. God did not make my bio’s have premarital sex. He did not make my bio mother choose to not abort. God did not make her put me up for adoption. God did not create me to be adopted. God blessed the adoption, He blessed me with great parents. IF I had been aborted, they probably would have been blessed with another baby girl to adopt. I am not stomping my foot at God, I am so aware of His blessings, and thank Him always for them.
Being adopted and being a receiver of unconditional love has given me an appreciation for relationships All of my family has/have loved me and cared for and about me because I am ‘theirs’. I do not need to be from their gene pool to receive this love, they all choose to see me as ‘them’ and love me as them. Having my bio put aside her own feelings, suffer stigma, so I could be born, then deny her maternal love and give me to the hope of a better life than what she had to offer, I know what sacrificial love means. I have witnessed a pure, unselfish, humble love through my parents, by their never being ‘prideful’ for the good deed they did to take in the poor unwanted child. They always knew me to be a gift from God, the pride they felt was to have received the blessings of their children, my brothers and I. With my being adopted I see the travesty committed by so many who take their families, their loves for granted. They place conditions on the love they give the love they receive. Families cut ties, stop speaking, refuse relationships. Waste blessings from God. Being adopted has given me more than anyone not adopted can imagine. I am blessed beyond measure, and I know it.
Still, though, I become forlorn. I wonder, what if, she had kept me? Would my mother that raised me and loved me as her own and I have had the same conflict if I had actually been her ‘own’? Would I be more secure, less afraid of displeasing others if I had been ‘kept’? Why is it that my bio mother and I don’t visit, don’t have a constant relationship? Is she ever sorry she gave me up? What could have been? What does it feel like to completely and absolutely belong? Does everyone feel misplaced or is it just adopted souls? Or is it just me getting hung up in some old dead ‘tree’?